I Tried So Hard

Oh, I tried so hard to be straight, to live by the Holy Bible, and what society wanted. So what if I wanted to fly, I was told I could not, so just stay on the ground, and crawl.

I did what they told me, and yet over and over, my heart called out to be myself, hell with the world, and yes that I could really fly. But I just would not believe that inner-self, I must not even try. I went by the book, at every detail.

But I found something that alarmed me as the days, months and years went by. My heart started to become cold and I had anger of much of what society had made me. But I was doing my best to live by their rules and laws, but, but, but why was I not happy? I had gained a family, a home, 2 cars, worldly goods, honor and praise from much of society, but still I was not happy. Just could it be, that I was really gay, and just could not accept the real truth of what was calling from within?

This is no bull shit story you see, in the city of Brotherly Love, that's Philadelphia, Pa., I finally walked into a gay bar after a YEAR of looking, looking and looking from the outside. It happened like in a dream, I found I had wings and yes I could really fly. I looked around and saw those like me. I went to the dance floor and found the real me. I could see others of my flock, right in front of me. I could fly, fly and fly finally. Though I became so happy, so very happy that night, even though I touched no one, and no one touched me, the problems became huge within me. How could I really be gay? Oh God, please not me! I was so mixed inside, which way to go? To fly or crawl?

After months of wonder beyond belief, it took over a year before I went to bed with someone that flew in the air like me. Oh God, then came an answer as clear as a bell. I was so, so very, very super happy now. Oh, yes, I'm really gay, you don't love what I did and not be. There is no question, the truth shall set you free. And yes, I was free to fly and be me. I found my true home and my real society in spirit.

But the huge problem was for real and would not go away. My church, Holy Bible and almost 50 years of training, would not just go away. A professional job that would never accept such a lifestyle, a wife, three kids, friends and more, no I just could not hurt them. I loved them too much, but this was something that now I know, I could not hide anymore. I'm really gay. I never was straight, I was just a great actor and fooled them all.

So on a cold night at 13th. and Market Streets, I looked up to William Penn at the top of City Hall, and said aloud, "Hey Penn, it's over dude, I got to end this, I cannot hurt those who I love." It was about 4 a.m., not a person in sight. Yes, I had a few drinks, but I knew what I was about to do. I pulled the .38 special from under my coat, and put the barrel of it in my mouth. I thought to myself, hell, others have done it and it worked out for the best, so why not me? I just can NOT let the world know that I'm gay. I pulled back the hammer and started to count to three and little by little moved my finger on the trigger getting ready to make the final squeeze.

With my eyes closed and the count of one, two, finger on the trigger, a picture of my son came into my head, with tears running from his eyes. At this very moment as I write this, I can see his face again, believe me or not, but I stopped at two, I just could not do it to him. I had told him a few months before that I think I'm gay and he said "so what dad, just be careful." And he added, "I'll support you as you have me."

I needed to write this and put in on the Internet, it's been in my mind calling out to fly like me, to be honest and loving and give hope to many that may be fighting the truth within themselves as I had done. I have had to stop a few times in writing this to clear my eyes so I could see the screen. I just know I've been so lucky to have an ex-wife, three children and a few friends that have shown beyond any doubt, they really LOVE me, as I do them. I just pray that in time our society will learn they need to stop their anti-gay religious preaching.

Copyright © 1996, Larry F. Franklin