How the Snatch Stole Gay Pride

Every him
Down in Himville
Loved each other a lot...
But the Snatch -
Who lived just outside of Himville -
Did NOT!

The Snatch hated gays - the whole gay scene and season
Now, please don't ask why no one quite knows the reason.
It could be its rims didn't look all that right.
It could be they smelled and they weren't very tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was that the Snatch's brain was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, its brain or its rims,
The Snatch would just stand there, hating the hims.
Staring out from its bushlair with sour, Snatchy snorts
At the amply filled basket that every him sports.
For it knew every him from David to Don
Was busy tonight banging and getting it on.

"And they're wearing their nylons!" it snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Gay Pride! It's practically here!"
Then it growled, with its Snatch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Pride from cumming!"

For, Tomorrow, it knew...
...All the him men and boys would wake bright and early.
They'd rush for their toys! And then!
Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing it hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the hims, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on him-protein, and raw him rump-beast
Which was something the Snatch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN they'd do something it liked least of all!
Every him down in Himville, the tall and the small,
Would dress up and scream, their throats almost parching,
They'd step hand-in-hand. And the hims would start marching!

They'd march! And they'd march! And they'd MARCH! MARCH! MARCH! MARCH!
And the more the Snatch thought of this him-march-and-sing,
The more the Snatch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for nearly ten years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop Gay Pride from cumming!
...But HOW?"

Then it got an idea! An awful idea!
THE SNATCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Snatch laughed in its throat.
And it made a quick Tranny Claus hat and a coat.
And it chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Snatchy whim!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like a him!"

"All I need is a bulge ..." The Snatch looked in its pants.
But, since bulges are on hims, there was none in the glance.
Did that stop the old Snatch ...? No! The Snatch simply said,
"If I don't have a big bulge, I'll make one instead!"
So it called its dog, Max, who was burying a bone
And soon the Snatch really had one of its own.

THEN it loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
In a beatup Ford Pinto
And waved bye-bye to Max.

Then the Snatch turned the key
And the car started down
Toward the homes where the hims
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark.
A cool breeze filled the air.
All the hims were all dreaming wet dreams without care
When the Snatch came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Tranny Claus hissed
And it climbed to the roof, empty bags in its fist.

Then it slid down the chimney through a rather tight hatch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Snatch.
It got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then it stuck its beard out of the fireplace flue
Where the nelly him nylons all hung in a row.
"This fishnet," it grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then it slithered and slunk, with a smell most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and it took every present!
Jockstraps! And videos! Leather gear! Lube!
Magazines! Cologne! And a penis pump tube!
And it stuffed them in bags. Then the Snatch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then it slunk to the closet. It took the him thongs!
It took their him-condoms! It took the him-bongs!
It cleaned out that closet as quick as a flash.
Why, that Snatch even smoked their last bowl of him-hash!

Then it stuffed all the goods up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Snatch, "I'll stuff something in me!"

The Snatch grabbed a him-vibrator, and just started to shove
When it heard a small sound from the stairs just above.
It turned around fast, and it saw a young him!
Youthful Justin-Tim him, who was rather quite dim.

The Snatch had been caught by this tiny him son
Who'd got out of bed when he thought he was done.
He stared at the Snatch and said, "Tranny Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Pride play toys? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Snatch was so smart and so slick
It thought up a lie, and it thought it up quick!
"Why, my pretty young man," the fake Tranny Claus lied,
"It's because that your package ... well, it leans to one side."
"So your toys need adjusting for health's sake, my dear."
"I'll fix them at home. Then I'll bring them back here."

And its fib fooled the boy. Then it patted his head
And it got him a condom and sent him back to bed.
And when Justin-Tim him was back in bed with his guy,
It latched onto the dildo and set it on 'HIGH'!

The last thing it took
Was the big Lukas poster!
Then it went up the chimney, itself, the old boaster.
In their house it left nothing but a rug and a coaster.

And the one kind of food
That it left in the place
Wasn't suitable for licking
Off anyone's face.

Then it did the same thing
To the other him hotties
Leaving food much too shitty
To lick off other hims' bodies!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the hims, still a-far,
All the hims, still a-snooze
When it packed up its car,

Packed it up with their toys!
The contents! The wrappings!
The bags! And the price tags!
The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up!
Up the side of Mt. Humpit,
It rode with its load
to the tiptop to dump it!

"Pooh-Pooh to the hims!" it was Snatchishly humming.
"They're finding out now that Gay Pride won't be cumming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the hims down in Himville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Snatch,
"That I simply MUST hear!"
So it paused. And the Snatch put it hand to its ear.
And it did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

It stared down at Himville!
The Snatch popped its eyes!
Then it shook!
What it saw was a shocking surprise!

Every him down in Himville,
the tall and the small,
Was marching
Without any sex toys at all!

It HADN'T stopped Gay Pride from cumming! IT CAME!
And somehow or other, they came just the same!

And the Snatch, with its snatch-feet ice-cold from the blow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without makeup! It came without crudity!"
"It came without freakazoids, weirdos, or nudity!"

And it puzzled three hours, till its puzzler was blue.
Then the Snatch thought a thought that to it was brand new.
"Maybe Gays," thought the Snatch, "aren't queer after all."
"Maybe Gays ... just perhaps ... just like me must stand tall!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Himville they say
That the Snatch's small brain
Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute its brain didn't feel quite so thick,
It returned with its car and felt less like a prick.
And it brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And it ... IT ITSELF... The Snatch - licked some raw rump-beast!

Copyright © Richard Janus