Roberts' Rules
Lesbians Are From Vegan,
Gay Men Are From Another Planet

Fair Warning: Stereotypes Ahead. Not for the Humor-Impaired.

It has long been my contention that though we may share organizations, a couple of bars, and the same colors of the rainbow, the reality is that, while gay men and lesbians are of the same ilk, they are NOT of the same planet. For example:

• Lesbians usually marry slightly before the first date.
• Gay men marry only after extensive interviewing and denial.
  
• Lesbians have sex immediately after meeting all the other woman's animals, children, relatives, reviewing all her books, and interrogating her current and all her exes.
• Gay men have sex immediately after just about anything. Sometimes before. (Although not as much as they used to.)
  
• Lesbians use love to get to sex.
• With gay men, the vice is versa.
  
• When lesbians buy a house, they rehab. And refurbish.
• Gay men, on the other hand, redecorate.
  
• Lesbians can easily fix an ailing refrigerator.
• Gay men can easily fill it from the cheese and imported mushroom section of the deli.
  
• Lesbians are more likely to be vegetarian.
• Gay men will eat almost anything.
  
• It took lesbians to rediscover Hush Puppies.
• It took gay men to redesign them in Easter egg colors.
  
• Lesbians process. Endlessly.
• Gay men rationally debate ramifications and consequences. For slightly longer.
  
• Lesbians are politically correct to everyone.
• Gay men are politically correct to everyone they know.
  
• Lesbians don't eat things that used to have faces.
• Gay men categorically reject tofu as pointless wallpaper paste with calories .
  
• Lesbians envy Martha Stewart her Connecticut and Hampton houses.
• Gay men channel her.
  
• Lesbians fix sink leaks themselves.
• Gay men call plumbers. Cute ones. Or lesbians.
  
• Lesbians pay internal penance for haphazard eye contact.
• In the right party circumstances, gay men's heads have been known to revolve a full 360 degrees.
  
• Politically correct or not, lesbians look at Playboy Magazine.
• Gay men just read the articles.
  
• To a lesbian, chintz is your partner buying your birthday present at a yard sale.
• To a gay man, its a fabulous furnishing opportunity.
  
• Two lesbians might refer to each other as "my wife."
• Two gay men wouldn't.
  
• Lesbians drive off-road vehicles and carry maps that refold themselves.
• Gay Men eventually stop at service station and ask for directions. But only if they really have to go.
  
• Lesbians think of gerbils as huggable, fuzzy little pets that like to tunnel.
• Gay men...Oh, never mind, it was only a rumor anyway.
  
• Lesbians bring the chairs, the newsletter, all the flyers, the minutes, and the coffee pot.
• Gay men bring checkbooks.
  
• Lesbians have potlucks with dishes made from lentils or chocolate. Or both.
• Gay men have intimate little dinners for two with homemade paté. To start.
  
• Lesbians love camp.
• Gay men love TO camp.
  
• Lesbians cook out by the pond.
• Gay men cook in, then sit out by the pool.
  
• Lesbian couples hyphenate their last names.
• Gay men arm wrestle each other to the ground and use the winner's name.
  
• Lesbians go to the gym to get fit.
• Gay men go to the gym to get their jeans to fit.
  
• Lesbians think of New Year's Eve as an opportunity to get reacquainted with steps 10, 11, and 12.
• Gay men see it as a chance to blow their horns off.
  
• Lesbians truly believe that communes work.
• Gay men really think they can be Republicans.
  
• Lesbians turn everyone within hugging range into "family."
• Gay men have a tendency to run around in PACs.

It is, considering everything, amazing that we still talk to each other. Fortunately, we are all smart enough to have figured out that what is truly unnatural on this looney-tune planet is marrying outside your own species.

Copyright © 1996, Shelly Roberts. All rights reserved. May be reprinted only in its entirety with written permission.