Gay Men and Porn

As we all know, there are certain tricks of the trade when it comes to judging the compatibility of a potential mate or, in some cases, the wisdom of spending the night with someone whose name is Brian (or Ryan, or something like that). Many of these procedures are simple: Looking for ice picks under the bed, searching for discreetly-placed Maria Callas posters, checking the refrigerator for body parts, and so on.

Other methods require more contemplation, as different personality types can be interpolated from the most minute of clues. Videotape collections make an excellent example, particularly when it comes to the so-called All-Males films. Therefore, watch for the following when perusing the porno collection of your intended....

• THE COLLECTOR. This is not the sort of man who copies two porno movies from a friend and watches them repeatedly for two years. He prefers to have the real thing, oversized tape case and all. A good indication you have stumbled into the lair of this creature is the vastness of the collection--i.e., he owns the entire back catalog of Falcon, Catalina, and Colt studios, and his mailbox overflows with the latest xxx-rated flyers ("Uncut Cops with Naughty Nitsticks--Only $19.95!"). Put any thoughts of an extended relationship out of your mind. After two rolls in the hay with him, you'll realize you'll never be able to perform the amazing feats of nimble nookie that play on a repeating loop in his fantasy-laden mind. Don't feel bad--most Olympic gymnasts wouldn't pass the muster, either.

• THE OFF-BRAND MAN. All the videos are produced by companies you've never heard of, such as Puppy Productions (most likely a favorite of Anthony Falzarano). If you see titles such as HANDLE WITH CARE, be ready to make a trip to Safeway for Crisco Sticks. If you see something that features electro-shock stimulation, be sure to inquire about the wiring capacity of your new friend's apartment. It would be embarrassing to blow a fuse on your first date.

• OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF HIS MIND. If you find his porno hidden behind copies of such cinematic classics as FANTASIA and THE WIZ, begin looking for the nearest exit. He probably still has the underwear section of the Sears catalog hidden between his mattress and the boxspring.

• PORNO? WHAT'S PORNO? Yeah, right. Most likely, he secreted the entire collection away in a double-locked chest in the basement. If it happens to be true and his abode is bereft of pornos, don't even bother. Remember the rule: Have none, get none.

• AND THIS ONE'S JUST RIGHT. This one has just enough to stay interested, but not so much as to become obsessed. This is the type of man with whom you can have a relaxing evening watching movies and getting ideas. And should you be wondering to which category I belong...it's not this one.

From a recent Usenet post.