Andrew Of America's
Helpful Hints On Avoiding Gaybashings

• WEAR AQUA VELVA--Fools 'em every time. No self respecting sissy has splashed this insect repellent on since Floyd the Barber.

• HAND GRENADES IN YOUR PURSE--Yes, Virginia, there's room in there with your compact mirror and poppers!

• MACE--It's not just for the spice rack anymore, Mary!

• SPIKE YOUR HAIR with liquid metal. Hair dos and hair duz!

• SKINHEADS are not marines! Learn the difference before you rub their head.

• STAINLESS STEEL DILDO--Makes lovely billy club.

• BILLY CLUB--Makes lovely dildo.

• WEAR SWEATERS made of rusty syringes. Street toughs will think twice before punching your paunch.

• GO TO A GYM--Don't leave till you are strong enough to beat everybody up. That's up, Mary, not off.

• JOIN EXODUS INTERATIONAL and go through 15 years of gut-wrenching conversion/perversion/aversion therapy until there's no longer any reason for bigots to beat you.

• REFRAIN FROM MAE WEST QUOTES such as, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

• CARRY A SMOKESCREEN-- No, Lulu, clove cigarettes won't do the trick.

• REMEMBER: Batman is only make believe.

• HANG OUT with really big dykes instead of hanging out your really big d-ck.

• POOL-CUE RAPIER-- It's a stick! It's a sword! It's SapphoZoro!

• IF RUNNING AWAY from thugs, remove high heels.

• NEVER SAY, "Nanner Nanner Boo Boo! Betcha can't catch me!" Unless you're in Sly Stallone's Lamborghini.

• STEEL-TOED Doc Martin's--Hey, even the Pope wears 'em.

• ALWAYS CARRY A SOFTBALL--They'll bring the bats.

Copyright © 1996, Andrew Of America, All Rights Reserved.