God--An Astronomer's View

Let me put all this in terms that everyone on this [newsgroup] will understand.

God is a point mass, centered at the origin of our XYZ space. Christ, we will assume, is at the right hand of God, or about 100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75 kilograms. Since God has a very large mass (a bit less than infinity), Christ, who we will assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large Momentum, and hence has a very small wavelength. This means that Christ's uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that He is fairly certain in all that He does. Now let us consider a sinner. We shall place him at a large distance from God, say one inch and 45 million light years.

The sinner, also being in a circular orbit, will be travelling significantly slower than Christ, and will therefore be more uncertain about it. One should also consider, however, since Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool while the sinner's would encompass not only our galaxy but a few of the nearby ones as well, that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is generally a more knowledgeable guy the the Savior. This fits in with traditional wisdom. From this situation we can draw a few conclusions. The first is that Mary, the Mother of God, being a fairly pure person, is close to God. This means that she must be a fast woman. The second conclusion that can be drawn is that sinners have a lot more potential than saints, since less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy. Further insights can be gained when we look at the situation of the heathen.

A heathen is someone who is not affected by God. This means that they are at least an infinite distance from Him. Now, assuming that one of these folks starts to travel towards God, he will convert his potential energy to kinetic energy during the approach or descent. Since he started out an infinite distance away, but with some kinetic energy of his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolic trajectory and then disappear into space, never to be seen again. If his approach is such that it brings him inside the orbit of The Son of God, then, right after his closest approach, the heathen's velocity will be greater than Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in his escape than Christ is in orbit. This is an interesting notion, but some of the side ramifications are even more intriguing.

Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract anyone--all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or hyperbolic trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of them could collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that heathens that get too close to believers in their approaches might get trapped and, by the same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens could be ejected.

And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of this have to do with sex? This is Alt.Sex.B.P.P, not Alt.God. bondage.P.P. Well, the answer is this: Sex, as we all know, is the union of two or more people. This, in our analogy, would be represented as a collision. Now, in Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are male. For God, a collision between any of these close-in folks would be disastrous because, even if we assume they are indestructible, such a high-energy collision would

a) eject one of the men in it,
b) cause one of them to fall into God, or
c) give them highly irregular elliptical orbits.

All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two He would lose orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and in the third case He would have a much greater chance of more collisions, as the elliptical orbiters would cross many of the unaffected circular orbits. Therefore, God probably disapproves of these collisions.

Anyway, I managed to bring this rant back to the topic it was supposed to address in the first place. If anyone is not offended yet, I can use the analogy to prove the next verse in Leviticus, that no man shall wear clothes of two different fabrics.

Author Unknown.