Alone

Have any of you ever had the feeling that you are completely and totally alone, even among friends? Have you ever felt that no matter how much love you receive from those around you, that if you do not have a special someone to love you are missing a part of yourself? I feel that way sometimes, and today is one of those days.

I have realized that I want, not need, someone to hold me and hug me. Someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright. Someone to hold my hand when I am sad and to dry my tears when I have cried. I want someone to carry me when I am weak and to stand beside me when I am strong.

It seems as if humans, once they reach puberty, begin a search for the other half of their soul. It seems as if some are lucky and find that missing part in a short amount of time, and for others it takes years, or decades, and sometimes they never find it.

I wonder why I am alone. I am intellgent and philosophical. I see the world in a thousand different ways. Colors are bright and the sound of wind is music to me. Sunlight sliding across the surface of a leaf will captivate my attention and in it I will see all the beauty in the world there is to see. In the darkest places I can see a glimmer of light, in the largest disaster I can see a ray of hope, but in my search for the river of love it is hard for me to see to the other side.

I am beautiful, both inside and out. I have been told so by many people and for the first time in my life I believe it. I know that I am a caring and gentle person. I know that I am fiery, and that in me burns something so fierce that it will take a strong person to stand the flame that is the light of my life. I know that I am strong, but this one thing, this loneliness, makes me weak. It is something that I must constantly fight, something that I must constantly wrestle with, or it will take me down and I will be powerless to climb back up again.

The simplest things will alleviate the pain of being alone: the voice of a friend, someone that I love, someone in which I see the part of my soul that is missing, the part that will make me whole.

Why is one alone? It is to temper them. To make them strong, stronger then the greatest steel, stronger than the hardest adamantium. I can withstand anything, the heat of any flame, the desire of any heart. But who can fill me and make me whole? Who will be the hero who will carry off my heart and make my soul into that one indefinable essence of utter creation, beauty and solitude?

I am alone, but I will not be forever. For forever will I be full, and whole, once I find that missing puzzle piece that will make me into the being of creation that I truly am.

Copyright © 1996, Brandon Lacy.